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Dealing with Anger By: Dr Shoshana Garfield, PhD What is anger? Technically, it is a feeling of intense antagonism or annoyance in reaction to pain from a real or imagined grievance. It can be outrage at severe injustice or righteousness or an unfair attack. It is also a protecting emotion. There is always something unbearable underneath the anger – grief, sadness, loss, aloneness, etc. – that the anger is protecting you from. OK, so you have been really really terribly treated. And it is genuinely so unfair that you are left with the scuzzy toilet bowl of emotions to clean out when it wasn’t your crime. But who wants to live in a scuzzy toilet bowl unless they’re a germ? Are you a germ? No? Keep reading then. Anger is a strategy: using anger as a defence
against one’s own self-loathing. Angry people are bitter,
lonely, and miserable.
Victims. If
anger is not expressed properly it is turned inward, and
depression and self-hatred results. You want that kind of life?
Feeling pain at the actions of another does not mean we need to be angry. The antidotes to anger are: patience, acceptance, compassion. Strategies for coping with one’s own anger: 1. Everyone has baggage; i.e. irrational thought processes that are formed through the lens of (early) experience and miseducation. Accept that most people are strange, clueless, not the sharpest knife in the drawer, etc. Decide to love them anyway. 2. As a corollary of the above, when someone does something you consider outrageous: “I know! “Everybody knows!” “SHE should have known!” Guess what? She didn’t know. People don’t know. The fact that you know is a miracle. Know this – but without getting smug, OK? 3. Separate yourself. It is not about you. Most of the time people are saying something about themselves and their own fears. For instance, if someone says you should lose weight, they are really saying: “I am afraid of being overweight and judged lacking for it.” 4. Separate yourself. It is about you. Whatever you get angry about, that is where you feel insecure, unlovable, shameful, etc. For instance, if you get angry because someone told you that you should lose weight, that is because you feel somewhere that you are horrible for being overweight (whether you are in reality or not). 5. Set boundaries between you and other people. As a corollary of the above, we get angry at others for the things we don’t like in ourselves, whether or not we admit to those qualities. 6. Your talents are not the talents of others; what may be easy to you may not be easy to another. Also, your way of doing things is not the only way. Others can have their own ways that are different to you, and may not even be as efficient. So what? Let people do things their own way. Let go. 7. Lower your expectations and give more. Expectations lead to entitlement – and lack of gratitude – which leads to outrage…. As a corollary - be grateful for everything. This is wonderful relationship maintenance as well. Note that kids do age-appropriate things; it isn’t fair to expect them to be more mature than their age. They often grow out of habits, such as writing on walls. Ask yourself: will my child be doing this when they are living on their own or with a partner? If not, don’t sweat it. As part of expectations, realise that no one is going to live your life for you - don’t live vicariously through another, whether it be your children or an idealised celebrity. Live your life fully and you will have fewer expectations and more gratitude, which means you get more of what you want anyway. 8. Speak quietly when you are angry. Or, even better, wait until you aren’t angry to raise an issue. You may have to wait a few days, weeks, or even years. This intervening time is one of process, not passive waiting. This is to ensure that you speak from a place of patience, acceptance, and compassion. 9. Anger can be a useful bridge to
tolerance and compassion, as with issues of abuse.
But: Don’t get stuck on the bridge – keep moving.
Because ultimately…. See point 4 above. The abuse is not
your crime, but ruining your life because you are blaming
someone else for your problems is
your crime
against your own
humanity – got it? 10. Since anger is never the primary
emotion, give yourself the compassion and patience to find out
what it is. If you
need help coping with it, get the help, get on with it – or get
lost in it. Your
choice. See point
11 below.
11. Decide who you want to be.
Do you want to be a habitually
angry person, judgmental bitter and lonely?
Or would you rather be a
habitually compassionate person? In the words of Buddha,
“What you think, you become.”
What
are you
becoming today?
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